|
Practicing Significance Glorifying God by fulfilling your own unique purposes through the never-ending action of acquiring, using, and sharing diverse resources. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage
“In nature there are neither rewards nor punishments – there are consequences.” Robert G. Ingersoll
“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.” Apostle Paul
“Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife. She has thought much worse things about you.” Jean Rostand
“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.” Oscar Wilde
Introduction
Of the Practicing Significance series, this lesson is probably the emotionally hardest to write and read. This is not a lesson on marriage counseling or how to improve your marriage or how to make a bad divorce better…there are a myriad of books about those subjects. This lesson is meant just to discuss certain aspects of the processes of marriage, divorce and remarriage. The background for much of this lesson is found in scriptures of the Bible. For that reason, I have attached in Appendix 1 most of the scriptures key to the study. In Appendix 2 are some interpretations of certain of those key scriptures which will be referred to later.
I have included this lesson in the Practicing Significance series because everybody is touched by these subjects. Approximately half of the first marriages in America end in divorce after an average length of seven years. Over half of second marriages end in divorce in much less than seven years. Divorce is also becoming much more common among people over fifty years old. As you will soon understand, this has been an especially emotional topic for me because several years ago I chose to divorce my wife of twenty-seven years even though she had not been unfaithful to me, and then got remarried five years later.
Appendix 1 shows most of the key scriptures involved in studying this subject. Please read all of the scriptures prior to continuing this lesson.
Marriage
Marriage is the legal formalization and religious sanctification of the union of a man and a woman. In the Bible, we are given many instructions and models for married life. In a simplified summary form, I believe this ideal “cycle of life” can be described as:
· Both the man and the woman are to be virgins prior to marriage. It is especially important, though somewhat “unfair”, that the woman is a virgin (historically the only way to ensure that the first-born son is of the father’s lineage). It is fine, even encouraged in some cases, to remain single and chaste instead of getting married.
· After marriage, the husband and wife are to become as one person. They are to cherish each other and remain sexually and mentally faithful to each other. They are to have a loving relationship, just as Christ loves the church and gave his life for her. Just as it is not normal for a person to act in a harmful way toward himself or herself, it is not normal for a person to act in a harmful way toward a spouse.
· If they choose to have children, they are to raise these children in a godly manner. Both parents shall have the best interests of the children constantly upon their minds and in their actions. Upon maturity, the children are to leave their parents and embark upon their own lives.
· The husband and wife are to stay married until one of them dies. The surviving spouse is permitted to marry again if they so choose.
When the above cycle is followed, blessings and benefits accrue. There are few things as enviable as a young couple in the throes of romance as described vividly in the Song of Songs by Solomon in the Bible. There are few things as wonderful as a husband describing his wife as in Proverbs 31. There is nothing more beautiful than an older couple holding hands and remembering the events of their shared lives. God’s high regard and ultimate goal for marriage is signified by the fact that the relationship between Jesus and the church is described as being husband and wife.
The fact that approximately half of the people who get married stay married is proof that it is quite possible to do so. However, the fact that the other half get divorced indicates that it is not easy to have a life-long marriage to a first spouse. Both successful and unsuccessful marriages have many serious problems including:
· Money. Many surveys indicate that the majority of divorced people blame money issues as a primary contributor to the failures of their marriages.
· Sex. There are many types of issues having to do with sex that cause marital problems. The two most common are infidelity of at least one partner, and disagreements over the quantity and quality of sex.
· Selfishness. In the final analysis, most marital problems have uncontrolled selfishness or self-centeredness as a root problem.
· Expectations. All relationships have spoken and unspoken expectations. There are at least two types of expectations, and it is important to distinguish between the two. The first are expectations of the other partner, i.e. I expect her to always keep a clean house and she expects me to mow the lawn. The second are expectations of the relationship, i.e. marriage will mean that I get all the companionship and sex I want. Tensions and even break-ups occur when expectations are not met. My brother says, “All men get married expecting their wives will not change, all women get married expecting their husbands will change, and they are both wrong.”
· Different marriage models. We each grow up with inherent assumptions about marriage primarily based on the model portrayed by our parents or persons who raised us. When our inherent assumptions are in conflict with our mate’s, trouble is unavoidable. These assumptions include the role of each person having to do with intimacy, money, raising children, etc. (Note: most of us can easily see the effects our parents’ relationship had on us, but most of us do not translate that into knowing we are similarly affecting our own children!)
· Children. There is a disturbing trend in America of parents making their children into idols. The entire family life becomes centered on the children and the children believe that they are the center of the universe. This unhealthy situation arises because we do not let a healthy relationship of the parents dominate as taught in the Bible. Ultimately, this will cause immense problems for both the marriage and for the children.
A good friend of mine, Bill Dozier, says, “Most of us make lasting decisions about the three most critical events in our lives (our education/career, our spouse, and our spiritual choices) when we are between fifteen and twenty-five years old. Unfortunately, this is the exact period in our lives when we are least able to make rational decisions because of lack of experience, lack of knowledge, and raging emotions and hormones.” In order to help make better decisions with future spouses, it might be helpful to use the above life cycle as a guide to looking for desirable characteristics of a potential spouse. These characteristics might include:
· Financially sound. Since financial issues account for many marital problems, it would be a good start if your potential mate already has sound financial habits. This doesn’t mean that they have to be rich or even out of debt, just that they have learned to make or abide by good financial decisions. For instance, many counselors recommend that you trade financial information prior to marriage, or even negotiate a pre-nuptial agreement just to make sure there is no undisclosed financial information.
· Sexual purity. Finding a person who has remained sexually pure is not easy in our society. Nonetheless, if you can do so, it will avoid all kinds of physical and psychological problems. As recent as 50 years ago, society seemed to support constraint against premarital sex. However, today there seems to be little support for sexual purity except in the churches that teach it. Fortunately, there seems to be a growing number of churches awakening to the need to teach this to our youth, and statistics indicate the picture is improving for churched youth. By the way, worrying about sexual compatibility is a waste of time. Virtually all couples are physically compatible, it doesn’t take long to learn much of the physical aspects of sex, and it is more fun to learn together anyway. However, the levels of desire are not necessarily the same and this difference can cause serious strains in the marriage. Even so, desires can be discussed and revealed to each other prior to marriage without being acted upon.
· Relationship with parents. Those persons having good relationships with both of their parents will have an easier time having a good relationship with their spouse. They will inherently understand much of the life cycle and will probably not have significant trust and security issues. This benefit is especially enhanced if their parents have a successful marriage since this provides a “school” for teaching about healthy relationships and communication between the sexes. Relationally healthy parents generally produce relationally healthy children.
· Cultural compatibility. A culturally compatible person will have a worldview similar to yours. Having similar inherent assumptions about the world eliminates some potential conflicts. Cultural compatibility includes similar backgrounds in the areas of education, race, religion, money, and geographical location where you both were raised. This factor is often overlooked, but can be very important. Opposites don’t always attract and sometimes they don’t mix well.
· Mentally stable. Having a stable emotional base and a good self-image are critical in maintaining a good marriage over a lifetime.
· Good communication skills. Both partners don’t have to be talkative, but each needs to find a timely way to communicate expectations, desires, and dreams. It is important to remember the other partner can only try to understand, but “it is the job of the communicator to communicate.”
Some thoughtful people I have known kept a written list of the qualities (such as those above) that they absolutely needed or desired. That way, when they met a potential mate, they could make a quick and reasonable evaluation about the reasons to or not to move forward. With age, maturity and changes in your situation, such a list should be consulted and revised. (For a variety of reasons it may be a good idea to keep the existence of your list to yourself.)
After you have overwhelmed your potential significant other with your romantic skills, and you both want to move forward to a permanent relationship, an action that I would recommend is an unromantic written “due diligence” process. Many times, pre-marital counseling includes this process. This process is not meant to change either party, just to learn about each other. In this process you would discuss and write down all the expectations, beliefs, and emotions that you and your potential spouse have about such things as: religion, money, tempers, children, and parents-in-law.
I believe that if both of you are able to work through a thorough due diligence process, you will likely be able to work your way through most marital problems. If you are unable to work through the process, it may be a sign that it will be difficult to work through such problems after marriage. If marriage becomes a real possibility, many people even use a prenuptial agreement to approach, discuss, and commit to many touchy subjects, such as finances.
In His Needs, Her Needs, Willard F. Harley, Jr. makes innumerable valuable observations. First, marriage is the commitment to meet one another’s needs on an exclusive basis; so if needs are not met, one partner is placed in a very difficult and frustrating position. Second, men’s needs and women’s needs are generally different from and nearly incomprehensible to the opposite sex. Third, it is not acceptable to meet just some of your mate’s needs – you need to meet them all. I highly recommend this book for everyone who intends to get married, and everyone who is already married.
It is not enough to look for, and maybe even find, a desirable mate. You have to be one yourself. How tragic it is when someone finds the person of their dreams, only to find that they cannot attract and/or retain them. For that reason, it would behoove each of us to become as talented, psychologically stable, physically attractive, financially sound, etc. as the person we are seeking. Then, in the lifelong process of becoming this way, we need to retain and improve the good things we have attained. We often hear of situations where people “grow apart” or “He’s changed” or “She hasn’t changed”. Though much more difficult to attain, it should be a goal to grow together and become even more attracted to one another. I phrase it, “Maintain your self, retain your mate.”
Marriages/Divorces of Older Adults
Marriages of older adults will encounter new opportunities and problems, especially when retirement comes into play. Should one or both of you retire? If so, at the same time or different times? Do you have the same vision for life after retirement, or do you want entirely different life styles?
With the increased longevity of the American population, there has been an unfortunate significant rise in the rate of divorce in those persons over the age of fifty. This is probably not surprising since “’til death do us part” may be twice as long for us as it was for our ancestors. Knowing this is happening should cause us to prepare even more to prevent it. Surveys show that seniors may see divorce as a method to try to find better health, more happiness, or at least a new start. Some of the factors leading to the desire for this new life include:
· Lack of a common purpose once the children are raised. They find their interests diverged long ago. Further, they no longer are willing to stay married “for the sake of the children.”
· Boredom and tedium especially after retirement.
· Sexual interests have diverged or one partner is unable or unwilling to perform. The invention of Viagra has both increased and decreased this problem. As one person says about the joys of sex as a senior, “It’s much better even if it takes all night to do what we used to do all night.”
· Expecting to live longer, one of the partners decides not to live with someone they no longer love or want to be around. Lack of intimacy drives both men and women to find new relationships.
· Women may find that they no longer want to be selfless servants and the resulting consequences may create havoc in the relationship.
· Economic circumstances may be good enough to allow the choice or bad enough to make a partner feel desperate. New laws and prenuptial agreements may help mitigate economic issues as the partners go forward.
· Seniors overestimate the value of their experiences and understate the consequences of divorce just like younger people do.
Couples who have good “conflict management skills” and mutual respect for each other are most likely to have marriages which will survive the aging process. Three good predictors are: the man’s willingness to listen to, understand, and compromise with his wife; the woman’s ability to start and maintain a non-confrontational conversation; their joint ability to resolve conflict.
Some of the issues that older couples should discuss and resolve are:
· Where do we want to live?
· How will each of us spend our time, and where will it be spent?
· How much time will we spend together?
· How much income will we have, and how will we spend it?
· What family issues will we face, and how will we deal with them?
· What kind and quality of sex life will we have?
· How will we cope with medical issues?
Consequences
Although we want often want to pretend it isn’t so, the Apostle Paul was right…we will reap what we sow. Fortunately, it works both ways. When we sow good things, we will reap good things. However, when we sow bad things, we will reap bad things. Therefore, whenever any portion of God’s plans or commandments is either obeyed or violated, there are going to be consequences. The principle certainly applies for plans and commandments concerning marriage. Interestingly, the consequences can occur in very different ways. Some of these are:
· Time. Some consequences are reaped at the time of the action, others are delayed to some point in the future. Some happen one time, and some many times over a very long period of time. This is especially true when children are involved. An interesting book, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, indicates that even adult children are profoundly affected for many years by the divorce of their parents.
· Who pays. Many times others receive the benefits or pay the consequences. These may be parties such as a spouse, a child, another relative or friend, and/or parties that seem totally uninvolved.
· Degree. It often happens that the degree of the consequences seems out of line with the original action, either too much or too little. When this occurs, it may be because we don’t understand the entire effects of the action and related consequences.
· Type. Some consequences are physical and/or psychological.
· Results. For the same action, different consequences may occur. For instance, when people have premarital sex some get pregnant, some get sexually transmitted diseases, and some have no apparent physical repercussions.
Many marriages come to an end because of the consequences of sexual transgressions. Concerning sexual transgressions, the Bible primarily and specifically discusses two types:
· Fornication. This refers to sexual activity outside of marriage.
· Adultery. This refers to a violation of the marriage vows because of unfaithfulness by a married person. This usually refers to having sexual activity with anyone other than a spouse. However, adultery may also occur because of other violations such as mental and emotional unfaithfulness (lust) or ending the marriage vows through divorce.
From the scriptures in Appendix 1, and from others not shown, it is clear that adulterers and fornicators are often harshly warned. It intrigues me that we may not have a good idea which people constitute adulterers and fornicators. As an example, someone who uses drugs one time is not yet a drug addict, but someone who constantly or frequently uses them is a drug addict. Yet, a person who kills just once is a murderer. In the same way, how many times of sexual unfaithfulness does it take to become an adulterer? Once? Twice? A thousand times? My mother would probably say, “Don’t take a chance.”
Divorce
Divorce is a legal process whereby a legitimate marriage is publicly dissolved and the participants are legally no longer in a matrimonial relationship. Regardless of the legalities, however, the scriptures make it clear that God generally prohibits and abhors divorce. In our modern, tolerant world, this attitude seems quite out-dated and closed-minded. On the face of it, we probably don’t know many people who take divorce lightly, yet not many of us have the attitude of hating divorce. Nevertheless, God doesn’t make mistakes…that’s how he got to be God. So, we would do well to understand why God abhors divorce. It seems so because it is a violation of his plans and commandments and he alone understands the magnitude of the consequences involved. He alone knows the pain it causes him for us to go against his desires and commandments. He alone knows the consequences of breaking a promise to someone who depends on the promise being kept. He alone understands all of the parties involved, all of the prices to be paid, and all of the pain involved. He alone knows the effects on children. With reflection, it makes sense why God hates divorce.
Since marriage is both a contract and a promise (covenant) relationship, the act of becoming married requires that both the man and the woman are: marrying of their own free will, not under extreme duress, not being defrauded, and of sufficient mental capacity to understand what they are doing. If not, the marriage is generally not legally valid and can usually be immediately voided by civil authorities so that no divorce is needed. However, marriage contracts (and other types of contracts) are generally not voidable because of poor judgment, carelessness, inexperience, ignorance, hormones that ran amok, or pressure from the other party. (If those excuses were available there would have been very few legal marriages!). Therefore, the due diligence process described previously is all the more important. It should be noted that some religious groups go to extreme measures to prove that a voidable condition existed at the time of a long ago marriage so the marriage can be annulled from a church standpoint. Though this annulment has no legal standing and has no obvious Biblical basis, it does allow these church groups to take an amenable stance when it comes to divorce.
Remarriage
In the context that follows, the word “remarriage” applies only to divorced people. Just as divorce is becoming commonly accepted in our society, remarriage is not only commonly accepted, but is expected and advised. However, as shown in Appendices 1 and 2, God is not necessarily as anxious for remarriages to occur.
For the same reasons that God disapproves of divorce, he also discourages remarriage. In addition to those reasons discussed above, there are two more reasons: a remarriage cannot follow the natural cycle of life that he put in place for first marriages and it is impossible for the divorced parties to ever reconcile in a literal sense once one of them remarries. Salvaging a civil and amenable relationship is not equal to biblical marital reconciliation. In a second or third marriage, it is incredibly difficult for the remarriage partners to “become as one” because of their disparate histories, different relationships with their natural children (if any), involvement of ex-spouses and other family members, and even different goals and aspirations. Though time can reduce these differences, second and third marriages are much more complex than first marriages. This is not to say that all remarriages are doomed to failure or that they cannot be very satisfying to the partners. Many remarriages do seem to be successful and the partners can lead an active and successful Christian life. Paul seemed to recognize the difficulties facing divorced and single people in I Corinthians, and seems to think that it is better for certain people not to remain single. Based on the scriptures in Appendix 1 and the interpretations in Appendix 2, it can be seen that many people believe the Bible generally prohibits remarriage, while some people believe the Bible permits remarriage.
What If I am Already Divorced and/or Remarried?
The Bible doesn’t specifically address what to do in the case that divorce or remarriage has already occurred. With regard to these two subjects, God is different from many parents who say, “Don’t do that!!! … but if you do here is your penalty or remedy.” He seems to think if he tells us not to do something that we won’t do it. We have very few guidelines to follow after the fact if we do what he tells us not to do.
Based on my understanding of Christianity, we are to accept the position we are in, ask for forgiveness and repent (change our ways) for all of our transgressions, including our many transgressions other than those of divorce or remarriage. We are told that we will be forgiven if we ask for forgiveness and repent. As Christians, we have perfect confidence that we will receive forgiveness. However, even though we will be forgiven, many of the consequences will not change. It is important to understand that there is a huge difference between receiving forgiveness and receiving solutions to our problems and repairs to damage that we may have caused. In other words, we are forgiven, we are justified and made right in our relationships to God through his grace, but we and our family members still have to deal with the consequences of our sins and unwise choices.
Fortunately many churches have become proactive about working with and supporting divorced and remarried people, and their families. They have recognized that all of us are sinners and can be forgiven. They seem to have recognized that other sins such as gossip, greed, and deceit are just as damaging (although not as publicly apparent) as divorce. For divorced and remarried people who are being harassed, ignored, or made to feel condemned for being divorced or remarried, I recommend that you consider finding a more loving church family.
What if I Decide to Get Divorced or Remarried In the Future Anyway?
Some of the most agonizing counseling sessions held by preachers and counselors are those in which one or both spouses want to divorce or remarry even though they are fully aware of Bible teachings. There are many reasons why people come to the point where they will not be dissuaded. Since divorce and remarriage are so strongly discouraged, the Bible doesn’t specifically address additional remedies or consequences for a potential divorce or remarriage. This is hard for most of us to understand. We are accustomed to being in a society with remedies for future violations. As an example, if we speed we must be prepared to pay a speeding ticket. If we rob a bank, we must be prepared to spend time in jail. Unfortunately, as was available to medieval rich people, we cannot buy an indulgence to get automatic forgiveness for a transgression we are about to knowingly commit.
From a practical stand-point, as discussed previously, a person contemplating divorce or remarriage should be prepared to find that the consequences and repercussions will be much more far-reaching and severe than expected. As usual, when we want to do something, we usually overstate the benefits and understate the consequences.
From a Christian standpoint, “premeditated violations” are a thorny issue. Rather than giving a solution (since I have none), I would recommend a significant amount of Bible study on the subjects already discussed, along with a study on forgiveness, and sessions with a Christian counselor or preacher. There are reasonable disagreements when you get into this area, but in the end, we are all going to be responsible for our own choices regardless of our ignorance or inattention. Don’t forget to include a study of unpleasant scriptures such as Hebrews 10:26-29 which is shown in Appendix 1. Unfortunately, it may seem like the only alternative is to be miserable in a marriage for the next fifty years. Or maybe the choice is to either remarry a person that you believe is your “soul-mate” or accept a life of never being married again. There is no doubt that such choices would be excruciating to make. It is also unfortunate that whichever path is chosen, you will never know what blessings and good things would have occurred if you had chosen the other path. These heart-rending types of dilemmas are representative of some of the consequences we may pay. I do not say any of these things sarcastically or tritely, since I have been in this position.
Divorce and remarriage are just some of the ways we fail to meet God’s standards and so fall short of His glory. But the good news of the gospel is that Christ has paid the price for our salvation. He pays for our sins in full. Regardless of the mistakes we have made or the bleakness of our circumstances, we know that God has placed us in our circumstances for a reason, but He offers to give us a brand new start if we fail. God is willing to give us another chance not because He feels good about us, but because He feels good about his son, Jesus.
Craig S. Keener provides the following summation: “Divorce is wrong because it violates a covenant of permanent love made before God to another person made in God’s image; condemning the innocent party in a divorce is wrong because it despises the righteousness of Christ and oppresses the person who has already experienced the deepest rejection possible. Rejecting the guilty party or parties in a divorce once they have repented is wrong because it is a denial of the only forgiveness any of us can have before God.”
Additional Resources
Craig S. Keener …And Marries Another. I highly recommend this as the first book to read on this subject. Even if you do not agree with his conclusions, he does a masterful job of setting out various points of view and provides a treasure trove of references.
Willard F. Harley, Jr. His Needs, Her Needs. Highly recommended as pre-marital reading and to help fix a marriage.
Doug and Naomi Moseley Making Your Second Marriage a First-Class Success
Maryanne Vandervelde Retirement for Two
Emily B. and John S. Visher How To Win As A Step-Family
Mark E. Moore The Chronological Life of Christ
Zondervan New International Bible Dictionary
David W. Bercot A Dictionary of Early Christian Beliefs
Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts
Note: All Scriptures taken from the New International Version
Genesis 2:18 The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
Genesis 2:23,24 The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
Exodus 20:14 [God speaking] “You shall not commit adultery.”
Deut. 22:22: [Moses writing] If a man is found sleeping with another man’s wife, both the man who slept with her and the woman must die. You must purge the evil from Israel.
Deut. 24:1-4 [Moses writing] If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, and if after she leaves his house she becomes the wife of another man, and her second husband dislikes her and writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, or if he dies, then her first husband who divorced her, is not allowed to marry her again after she has been defiled. That would be detestable in the eyes of the Lord. Do not bring sin upon the land the Lord your God is giving you as an inheritance.
Malachi 2:13-16 [The word of the Lord through Malachi] “Another thing you do: You flood the Lord’s alter with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask. “Why?” It is because the Lord is acting as a witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. “I hate divorce,” says the Lord God of Israel, “and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,” says the Lord Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.”
Mat. 5:28 [Jesus speaking] “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
Mat. 5:31-32 [Jesus speaking] “It has been said, “Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.” But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.”
Mat. 15:19 [Jesus speaking] “For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.”
Mat. 19:3-12 Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?” “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator “made them male and female,” and said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh”? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore, what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
“Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?” Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.” Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”
Mark 7:21-22 [Jesus speaking] “For from within, out of men’s hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly.”
Mark 10:2-12 Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” “What did Moses command you?” he replied. They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.” “It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,” Jesus replied. “But at the beginning of creation God “made them male and female.” “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this. He answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.”
Luke 16:18 [Jesus speaking] “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”
John 14:15 [Jesus speaking] “If you love me, you will obey what I command.”
I Cor. 6:9-10 [Paul writing] Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.
I Cor. 7:1-16 [Paul writing] Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.
Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?
I Cor. 7:26-39 [Paul writing] Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for you to remain as you are. Are you married? Do not seek a divorce. Are you unmarried? Do not look for a wife. But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.
What I mean, brothers, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they had none; those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away.
I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs – how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world – how he can please his wife – and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world – how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.
If anyone thinks he is acting improperly toward the virgin he is engaged to, and if she is getting along in years and he feels he ought to marry, he should do as he wants. He is not sinning. They should get married. But the man who has settled the matter in his own mind, who is under no compulsion but has control over his own will, and who has made up his mind not to marry the virgin – this man also does the right thing. So then, he who marries the virgin does right, but he who does not marry her does even better.
A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. In my judgment, she is happier if she stays as she is – and I think that I too have the Spirit of God.
Ephesians 5:22-32 [Paul writing] Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church – for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery – but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
I Tim. 5:11-15 [Paul writing] As for younger widows, do not put them on such a list. For when their sensual desires overcome their dedication to Christ, they want to marry. Thus they bring judgment on themselves, because they have broken their first pledge. Besides, they get into the habit of being idle and going about from house to house. And not only do they become idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying things they ought not to. So I counsel younger widows to marry, to have children, to manage their homes and to give the enemy no opportunity for slander. Some have in fact already turned away to follow Satan.
Hebrews 10:26-29 [Paul writing] If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgment of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God. Anyone who rejected the law of Moses died without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. How much more severely do you think a man deserves to be punished who has trampled the Son of God under foot, who has treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified him, and who has insulted the Spirit of grace?
Heb. 13:4 [Paul writing] Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.
The subjects of divorce and remarriage are primarily dealt with in the New Testament in the five passages shown in Appendix 1. These passages are: Mat. 5:31,32; Mat. 19:3-12; Mark 10:2-12; Luke 16:18; and I Cor. 7:1-16. Millions of people have examined these scriptures and other scriptures in great detail in hopes of fully understanding them and learning at least two things: under what conditions is divorce permissible and under what conditions is remarriage permissible. To some degree, the answers that we choose may be based on our previous experiences, things we have been taught in church, and other causes which may influence us to accept certain answers.
Please read …And Marries Another, by Craig S. Keener. He does a masterful job of presenting various points of view and, even more importantly, provides a treasure trove of references and information. The following outline is laid out according to how I see various interpretations of the scriptures on Divorce and Remarriage after reading his book and many other resources.
1. General Statement: “Divorce is not permitted by God.” Some take this statement to be a statement without qualification or exception, so that all divorces granted by law are not valid in the sight of God. Others believe that exceptions are permitted, so that divorces granted by law are valid in the sight of God. However, even if permitted, divorce is not required or recommended.
a. Immorality. Based on the statements of Jesus as recorded in Mathew, many people think this is a permitted exception. However, the definition of immorality is not precise.
i. Adultery. This is generally accepted to be the primary meaning of sexual immorality. Even in this case, it is not clear if adultery means a one-time event or a habitual activity. However, other meanings of immorality may include the following.
ii. Mental unfaithfulness, which could include lust or intentions to commit adultery.
iii. Breaking “normal” sexual patterns, such as: incest, little or no sex, and “abnormal” sexual requirements.
b. Abandonment. Based on the statements of Paul in chapter 7 of I Corinthians, many people believe abandonment by a spouse is a permitted exception.
c. Many people believe that although the preceding two exceptions are specifically stated, exceptions are not limited to just these two. They believe that the two exceptions were specifically stated because specific cases relevant at that time were being addressed. Based on their perceptions of the reasons for the two permitted exceptions, they also believe that permitted exceptions could include some or all of a long list which include:
i. Physical abuse to spouse or children
ii. Mental abuse to spouse or children
iii. Illegal activities
iv. Immoral activities
v. Spiritual incompatibility
2. General Statement: “Remarriage of a divorced person is not permitted in the New Testament.” Some take this to be a statement without qualification or exception, so that all remarriages granted by law are not valid in the sight of God. Others believe that exceptions are permitted, so that some or all remarriages granted by law are valid in the sight of God. Some would say that even if some exceptions are expressly made in the New Testament, that there may be other exceptions which were not stated because the situations were not being addressed. Some would say that one of the express purposes of divorce is to allow both parties to remarry. However, even if permitted, remarriage is not required or recommended.
a. Innocent party/guilty party. Many people take the view that in every divorce one person (guilty party) is responsible for causing the divorce, while the other is an innocent party.
i. Using this reasoning, the innocent party to a permitted divorce should be able to have a valid marriage.
1. Some believe that even if this is the case, the remarried innocent party should have some restrictions concerning their activities in the church.
2. Others believe that the remarried innocent party should not have restrictions concerning their activities in the church.
ii. Continuing this reasoning, the guilty party should not be able to remarry. This puts pressure on the guilty party to repent, change behavior, and seek reconciliation. However, some believe exceptions to this include:
1. After the guilty party repents
2. After the guilty party repents and no reconciliation is possible because the original innocent spouse either refuses reconciliation or is involved in a new marriage.
b. Without regard to fault. Some people believe that any party to divorce is a “single person” and so is allowed to remarry.
i. Some would agree with this only if the divorce meets the validity tests above.
ii. Some would agree with this in the case of any divorce.
c. Some believe it is important to know if the divorce occurred before or after one or both parties became Christians.
d. In the case of an unpermitted remarriage, both of the remarriage parties are committing adultery. Forgiveness for adultery may be dependent on the nature of the offense.
i. Some believe this adultery is a one-time offense.
ii. Some believe that adultery is an ongoing action which remains for the duration of the remarriage.
Working through the above outline, following are the three schools of thought which I find to be the most persuasive:
1. Literal reading of each scripture: In this way of interpretation, we take each verse literally, believing that the translation from the original Greek to English is precise. The results of this method would be a legalistic chain of reasoning similar to: God allows the ending of marriage for only three reasons. These are: (1) death of a spouse whereby the marriage ends by the terms of the marriage contract and the remaining spouse is allowed to marry again to a qualified person, (2) divorce because one spouse (hereafter referred to as the “violating spouse”) is unfaithful to the other spouse (“violated spouse”), and (3) divorce because of abandonment by a spouse. In the last two cases, divorce is permitted by the violated spouse, but it is not encouraged or required. Divorce that occurs for any other reason causes both spouses to commit adultery, even if one spouse doesn’t want the divorce. [I should note that the scriptures usually talk about men divorcing their wives, but it seems to me that by taking all of the scriptures in context, both spouses should be treated the same.] As for remarrying, any divorced person commits adultery if he or she gets remarried, and also concurrently causes their former spouse and new spouse to commit adultery. [Although not specifically addressed in the Bible, it is possible that a divorced person might be permitted to remarry if their former spouse had already remarried. It would also seem that the violated party in a divorce caused because of adultery might be permitted to marry again. If so, a remarriage would have to be to someone whose spouse had died or never been married [or possibly to the violated party in a divorce caused because of adultery?]]. Many of the early Christian leaders and writer seemed to follow literal interpretation. Using literal interpretation, many situations are not specifically addressed.
2. An interpretive position using certain assumptions, including using cultural context and reexamination of the translation of certain Greek words: There are many possible outcomes to this type of reasoning. One idea that has been proposed is that in the above Gospel verses Jesus was addressing one or two distinct situations, and the Gospel writers recorded the answer as they deemed appropriate. The situations were: (1) many Jews were being taught that men could divorce women for any of the most minor reasons, including having a meal burned, and (2) that people were divorcing for the sole purpose of marrying a particular person, even if that particular person was also married and would have to get divorced. Some scholars believe that both of these situations were being permitted at the time of Jesus by certain religious leaders since both situations “met” the requirements of Deut. 24:1-4. However, as he often did, Jesus clearly stated that the intent of the law could not be avoided by technical loopholes. He also indicated that both men and women were on equal footing when it came to marital issues. However, if Jesus was addressing only these particular problems, he may not have been stating general principles and requirements for divorce and remarriage. Hence, although maintaining that the marriage covenant was sacred, he did not address the situation in full detail. A further interpretation might be that although divorce is clearly permitted in the cases of adultery and abandonment, there may be other equally valid reasons which are not specifically addressed. In these cases, then, it is presumed that divorce is a more reasonable option than remaining married. In addition, I Cor. 7:8-9 could be interpreted that all unmarried persons, including divorced persons, are permitted (though not encouraged) to remarry.
3. A combination of the literal, interpretive and figurative methods: Again, there could be several possible outcomes. A possible interpretation would be that divorce would be permitted in the case of physical adultery or abandonment, but in all other cases the acts of divorce and remarriage would have the same consequences as adultery or abandonment– a broken marriage. Therefore, adultery is a metaphor.