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Practicing Significance Glorifying God by fulfilling your own unique purposes through the never-ending action of acquiring, using, and sharing diverse resources. |
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Grandparenting
“Teach them to want to become, not to want to obtain.” Nanci Lawyer
“Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.” Robert Fulghum
“My riches can’t buy everything; I want to hear the children sing.” Rolling Stones
Introduction
Grandparenting is taking on aspects never before seen. Statistics show that compared to earlier generations, grandparents are younger, parents are less stable, and grandchildren are more knowledgeable of facts and circumstances beyond their understanding. This creates both challenges and opportunities for grandparents and grandchildren.
Our World Has Changed
I was fortunate to know and be loved by all four of my grandparents; in fact, my maternal grandfather was one of my best friends when he died at age 99 and I was age 48. Increases in life expectancy will allow more and more of us to experience such types of situations.
Many of us have the notion that grandchildren exist (or will exist) for us to see several days a year and to spoil them rotten. For a few of us, that may be the case. However, the vast majority of us will be faced with a far less idyllic situation. The following are several points and facts that could be helpful:
1. One of the most important things a grandparent can provide is to be an auxiliary adult to talk to. It is generally much easier for children to talk to their grandparents than to their parents. We often have more wisdom, time, patience and the ability to focus on the conversation. Following are some ideas to consider when you converse with a grandchild:
a. Children are faced with situations that we didn’t face. Sometimes it takes courage to address the problems that they face, and it takes wisdom to discern what is real from what is a fear. Sometimes the best response is to say, “I don’t know” and hope to get a conversation started. Justifiably, most children respect and admire their grandparents and imbue them with great wisdom.
b. Coax them into thinking of their own solutions to their problems. Let them know that some problems, including some of your own, do not have solutions.
c. As we age, we tend to repeat ourselves. Be careful not to repeat yourself so much that grandchildren quit listening or dread talking to you. Remember that they are used to fast-paced video games and TV shows.
d. Accent the positive. Our grandchildren are exposed to all the “don’ts” and negativism they can stand. Try to be cheery and pleasant.
2. Giving advice to young people is both expected and desired. Following are some pieces of advice that were found to be important in one survey of grandchildren:
a. Don’t be afraid to take risks, but make sure the rewards justify the risk of failure.
b. Stand up for your rights and for what is right.
c. Find ways to have fun that don’t get you in trouble.
d. Save money.
e. Go to college or vocation school.
f. Be grateful for what you have rather than angry about what you don’t have.
3. Try not to embarrass them in public or private (like you did to your children!). They do not want to see you in flashy clothes, hear you curse, watch you have bad manners, have you try to feed them too much, or be overprotective.
4. Grandchildren are thrilled to teach you something. Most of us are a little grouchy about learning, but take the chance to learn from your grandchildren about remote controls, VCR’s, new fashions, and even (gasp) music. By learning from them you show them a high level of respect and love.
5. If your grandchild has special needs, make sure to access all of the social services that are available to you. Becoming familiar with all of the programs may be one of your most important tasks. Access the resources at the end of this lesson to help you get started. The following are special situations for which significant social services are available:
a. A physically or mentally disabled or handicapped grandchild.
b. An abused or neglected grandchild.
c. An orphaned grandchild.
d. A grandchild in a low-income household.
e. Grandchildren with parents in the military.
f. Grandchildren who need after school care.
g. Grandchildren who need help funding college costs.
6. Last, but most important, the most important thing a grandparent can do is to give all of their grandchildren the unconditional love that they deserve.
Gifts to Grandchildren
See also the Practicing Significance lesson on Family Gifting. No matter the size of the gift, we should not use our gifts (or any other action) to usurp to authority of the children’s parents. Communication with our children and their spouses is the key. By setting up savings accounts for colleges or cars, we can help our children and grandchildren learn self-control and moderation, and other Biblical traits. However, as my mother says, “A little bit of spoilin’ never hurt anyone.”
Primary Caregiver of Grandchildren
Millions of grandparents have primary responsibilities for one or more grandchildren, while millions of others spend many hours a week with them. Whether voluntary or not, this can really stretch the energy and monetary resources of grandparents. For those of you who need help, we highly recommend accessing the resources at the end of this lesson. Maybe you will be able to turn a burden into a blessing for everyone.
Conclusion
With preparation and the right attitude, grandparenting can be a highlight of your life and the life of your grandchildren. When faced with problems, be sure to access the many books and websites available. Many times your problems can be solved or mitigated if you just know where to get help.
Additional Resources
Grandparenting with Love and Logic, by Jim Fay and Foster W. Cline
Grandparenting in a Changing World, by Eda LeShan
The Nanas and the Papas: A Boomers’ Guide to Grandparenting, by Kathry Zullo and Allan Zullo