Practicing Significance

Glorifying God by fulfilling your own unique purposes through the never-ending

action of acquiring, using, and sharing diverse resources.

You Are Never Too Cold To Change

“…time is his enemy.  His view of time, and of change, has become that of most elderly people; he hates change, since for him – for his body – any change is for the worse.  And if there is to be change, then he wants it to happen quickly, so it does not use up too much of the time remaining to him.”    Susan Sontag

“We probably wouldn’t worry about what people think of us if we could know how seldom they do.”   Olin Miller

“All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward.”   Ellen Glasgow

“You keep saming when you ought to be changing.”   Nancy Sinatra

“It’s just that I hold dear so many mutually exclusive beliefs.”   Robert Fulghum

“If it wasn’t for guilt, I’d have no emotional life whatsoever.”   Allen Horn

Introduction

Why are some people able to successfully make changes in their lives, while others won’t make changes unless absolutely forced to do so?  This lesson will examine some of those reasons, as well as offer encouragement to you to make changes which can improve your life.

You Are Never Too Cold to Change

This title is not a typographical error.  Some of the proverbs and prejudices I learned as a child in Oklahoma were:  “He’s too old to change”, “A leopard can’t change its spots”, and one that I’ve quoted correctly too many times, “People rarely, if ever, change.”  Yet, I have come to believe, and our Practicing Significance program is based upon this premise…anybody can make changes in their life if they choose to do so.

Cold is the lack or absence of energy.  Change requires energy.  So, as long as you have any energy available, you are not “too cold” to change. Interestingly, some changes require lots of energy, while other changes may not need lots of energy.  As an example, quitting smoking or another addiction takes a tremendous amount of physical and mental energy, while choosing to live with an attitude of forgiveness takes little energy.  When we perceive that the rewards are worth the expenditure of energy, we can usually summon the energy needed to try to capture the rewards.  Why then, do we not better perceive the huge rewards that would accrue to us if we made certain changes? 

A definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” This absolutely wonderful saying deserves review from several different angles. The most obvious meaning is clear. We can’t expect our unaltered behavior to produce any results other than the ones already being produced. One example that parents have seen is that if they want their children’s attitudes to change, then the parents have to first make changes. Another meaning is that if we want our lives to be improved then we will have to make some changes. For instance, if we continually put ourselves in poor financial positions, then we need to learn to make better financial decisions. Another interesting angle may be from the Christian point of view. If we are tired and frustrated with our same old Christian walk, maybe we should make a change by taking a new walk. Without trying to sound too wild, maybe we should try to walk to new friends, or new study material, or even some theology or new congregation. For instance, some time ago my wife and I decided to choose a church home by closely reviewing the lives of the members of different congregations, then choosing the church home where the people were most like what we wanted to be. That was much different than our former choices where we went to the same type of church we had always attended.

Why should we change? One major reason is because we have new information. Sources of new information include: news media, books, conversations, observations, and feedback from our actions. Anytime this new information is sufficient to allow us improvement, we should consider change. It is interesting that the word “repent” originally meant “change because of new information.” In other words, Jesus’ first sermon was, “The Kingdom of God is here. Based on this new information you should change your ways.”

Why then do we not choose to change when we want our lives to be improved?  

I Choose to Change Even Though…My Past is Too Horrible

Many people refuse to consider change because they mistakenly believe that their past is too horrible.  They are overwhelmed with guilt, have low self-esteem, or just can’t summon the energy to deal with the past.  It’s interesting that God knew this was going to be a problem to many of us.  That’s one of the reasons that He filled the Bible with stories of people who had horrible pasts, yet changed their lives and the future of the world.  For instance, the ancestors of Jesus are a who’s who of people with horrible pasts.  They include someone who sold his brother into slavery, a prostitute, and someone who got another’s wife pregnant and then murdered the husband as a cover-up. 

Here is a story about another man which often encourages me.  He was born into a minor and outcast ethnic group in the most powerful nation in the world.  Fortunately he received his education from the best of teachers.  As a young adult, he was so highly regarded by his religious associates, that they encouraged him to strictly chastise anyone who strayed from the straight and narrow path of their cultish sect.  In fact, he was even given “authority” to execute dissidents, which he did on occasion.  He thought that he was the finest, smartest, and most religious man in the world.  Yet, when confronted with the actual fact of his being a murderer, full of pride, and incorrect in his religious beliefs, he was able to recognize and acknowledge that he was the worst of all men.  Yet, rather than wallowing in guilt or being paralyzed by his past mistakes, he started a three year learning program, then became a prolific writer, a traveling preacher, and worked part-time building outdoor structures.  During his period of change, and for the rest of his life, people were reluctant to accept him and often opposed what he taught.  One of the many reasons he was able to be such a completely changed person was that he didn’t dwell on his past, but absolutely believed he was forgiven for his past.  He accepted his forgiveness and always lived with an eye for the future.  As he once said, “…one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize...” He knew his purposes and goals, and was focused on achieving them.  He had no time to dwell in the past.  Consequently a horrible man named Paul changed his life and became possibly the most influential writer and thinker of all time.

For people with a horrible past (which would be every one I have met so far), the Bible gives us many pointers on overcoming the past so that we can effectively live our lives going forward without the overwhelming burden of guilt.  Some of the pointers are:

· Most importantly, we need the support of Jesus to make major changes in our life.  Paul said, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

· Don’t dwell on the past, but learn from it.  Always press forward to achieve your purposes and goals.

· Repent for your past mistakes and actions, then accept the forgiveness which God will give you.  We have to be able to accept this forgiveness so we can overcome the guilt which overwhelms us if we don’t.  On the other hand we have to change our behavior so we don’t cheapen God’s forgiveness by continuing to act inappropriately.  The book of Romans in the Bible continually talks about God’s forgiveness and grace.

· Be more concerned about loving people and pleasing God than about following arbitrary rules.  Jesus said, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’  This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it:  ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”

· When you make mistakes, fix them the best you can, ask forgiveness from God and others, and then keep pressing toward your purposes and goals.  Be aware of your past behavioral pattern and if you begin to repeat it, step back and try again.  As Amy Grant once sang, “Every day is a test of wills:  will we walk or will we fall.”

I Choose to Change Even Though...My Family and Friends Don’t Want Me To

When we have decided to make a change, we often encounter resistance from the most unexpected places: our family and friends. Many social and psychological studies show that everyone has a specific role in relationship dynamics. Change can and does disrupt this natural order. For instance, a friend of mine decided to make a positive change in her life to lose weight and become healthier. Yet, some of her family and friends began to sabotage her efforts with statements like: “You don’t need to lose weight. You look just fine the way you are.” Or “Oh, is that ALL you’re going to eat. I made your favorite dessert.” It is not that her family wanted her to fail, they just did not want to change the relationship dynamics. Let us say that there is a family with two daughters. The first has always been considered the beautiful one while the second has always been seen as the intelligent one. The second one decides to have an extreme make over: cosmetic surgery, new outfits and a new hairstyle. Suddenly, she is threatening the first sister’s position as the beautiful one and the entire family feels a disruption in their familiar family dynamics. The other family members may begin to undermine the changes of the second sister, commenting on flaws in the surgery or putting down her new style of clothing. Even a positive change can sometimes cause your family members and friends to make you feel like you are swimming upstream. It is important to keep your eye on the prize: be it a new dress size or living life with more patience and love to glorify God. We should embrace positive change in our lives regardless of any resistance we might get from family and friends because it can and will facilitate improved relationships with those around us.

I Choose to Change Even Though…Making a Change “Proves” My Former Actions or Beliefs Were Wrong

Have you ever watched a little kid tell a story, and then even when everyone knows he is wrong about some point, he will maintain he is correct no matter what the cost?  Often, we adults do exactly the same thing.  We want to maintain the beliefs we had as children, especially if they were the same beliefs our parents had.  We are unable to make changes in some of our assumptions and beliefs, even when those beliefs are no longer consistent with our other current thoughts and beliefs.  In order not to make ourselves or our parents look wrong, we become almost schizophrenic in our belief systems.  In psychological terms, this is called cognitive dissonance.  When an old belief or conviction is in contradiction to new information, a feeling or anxiety or discomfort arises until either the old belief or new information is discarded or enough additional information reduces the uneasiness.  Sometimes, in an attempt to relieve this anxiety, we try to rationalize our actions or beliefs in an attempt to reconcile the old and the new. This rationalization can only cause us more grief.

We are not the only ones to face such a dilemma.  Much of the gospel story shows Jesus trying to get the Pharisees, religious leaders, and even the apostles to give up their formerly held beliefs.  Yet many of them were never able to make the necessary mental shifts.   In some cases they were unwilling to give up an entire life style, in other cases they were unwilling to just accept that they had been wrong in the past, and in other cases their hearts were so hard and they were so proud that they couldn’t risk changing their minds.

One aspect of maturity is to be able to come to a consistent belief system and theology.  Much like the teenagers we once were, we have to sort through everything we have learned, everything we have been taught by our parents and relatives, and everything we have been taught at work and at church.  Then, in order to have a healthy lifestyle and thought process, we have to not only be willing, but be excited to change our thoughts where needed.  It doesn’t mean that we should feel guilty because we thought differently in the past, but joyous that we are able to improve our thought process and beliefs.  A quote from Gandhi summarizes an excellent position concerning this issue, “My aim is not to be consistent with my previous statement on a given question, but to be consistent with the truth as it may present itself to me at the moment.  The result is that I have grown from truth to truth.”

I Choose to Change Even Though …Others Think I Am Too Old to Change

I’ve never been too sure what people mean when they say they are too old to change.  Maybe my thoughts have been too distorted by having some grandparents, aunts, and uncles who eagerly learned, served, and changed until the day they died.  I suppose that if pressed for further definition, what people really mean is they want to use age as an excuse not to do something that they perceive as unpleasant.  Instead of “old,” it would be more honest to say something like, “I am too lazy to change”, “I am too stubborn to change”, or “I fear change”. 

One of the interesting aspects of aging is that changes in our environment seem to occur more rapidly as we age yet we tend to increase our resistance to change.  Upon reflection, it seems that the people I know who most successfully age, are the ones who joyfully embrace change, rather than resist it.  Like many things in life, our success is determined by our attitude.  Look at the people you enjoy being around.   My guess is that they are enthusiastic and joyful, don’t complain much, and are very flexible.  They probably look at change as a learning experience and adventure.  My grandfather and grandmother got married in a time before electricity was available and travel was in covered wagons, yet they loved watching technical innovations and were fascinated by personal computers in their old age.  They couldn’t wait to embrace improvement in their lives, whether it was technical inventions or self-improvement.  They were proof to me that people are never too old to change.

I Choose to Change Even Though...I Might Fail or I Might Win

One of the most eye-opening books I ever read had to do with the fear of winning. As a young, not-very-good athlete, I had always been told about the fear of losing, but learning about the fear of winning changed my life. After reading the book, I realized that I always got beat by my friend in racket ball, even though we had similar skills. After changing my thought process, I began winning regularly. Since then, I have often had to remind myself in business to not only prepare to win, but to actually win.

What causes us to be susceptible to fear of failure or fear of winning? These bug-a-boos have lots of subconscious foundations, including...What will my peers think of me if I do better than them? Will I ever be able to perform to this level again? Is it really fair for me to get a new job if my friend loses out on it? Won’t people laugh at me if I lose? Won’t people laugh at me if I win?

Whatever the reason, we can use the lessons on purpose, goals, and life planning to know that winning and losing are just a normal part of the process of growth and change, and there’s no reason to let these irrational fears keep us from moving forward.

Valid Reasons to Not Change

We have just reviewed many of the negative reasons why people resist change. Since so many people make so few changes, it is possible that there are many valid reasons why people resist making changes which could improve their lives. Yet, I have to admit, I can’t think of many. Here are the ones I’ve been able to come up with, in a nutshell:

· Certain changes which would be beneficial to your relationships, employment or health, are not worth the effort.

· Prior commitments prohibit your committing the time or effort needed.

· You just don’t want to. No matter what the benefits to you and your loved ones, you just don’t want to make the beneficial changes. I suspect this attitude of stubbornness is behind most resistance to change.

· Since you can’t know the actual results of change, you are willing to keep the status quo instead of risking that things will be worse instead of better. When your risk assessment is good you are wise; when your risk assessment is poor you are either losing opportunities or are making too many mistakes. Remember, most people regret what they didn’t do much more than what they did.

Conclusion

As you study to prepare for the second half of life, please do so with an open mind and a curious spirit, learn where you can improve your life by further study or incorporation of new ideas, and learn to look forward to change.